Nick Blunderbuss Green – Election Report

Standing in Kenilworth and Southam for the third time, I sent out leaflets (using candidates mail) to every household in the constituency; to let everybody know I was on the ballot paper.
At the main husting event, I decided to send a cardboard cut-out instead of going in person. It went down well, apparently. At least my replacement didn’t have to answer any awkward questions!
I managed to maintain my support with 442 votes. Luckily, I didn’t finish last, coming 6 of 7, beating UKIP by 289 votes.
Incumbent Tory Jeremy Wright, former Attorney General, retained his seat but I have reduced his majority over me from about 30,000 in 2019, down to just 19,000, so I’m making rapid progress. In a few years-time – the un-thinkable might happen?
It was a long, and quiet night at the Count, I didn’t get to do my speech until 5am, 6 hours after I arrived. Thank god there wasn’t a re-count!
Many thanks to ‘Team Blunderbuss’ – Billy ‘Bunter’ Burton, Gary ‘Bratwurst’ Sweetman, Barry ‘The Squire’ Rose and my election agent, Simon ‘The Raging’ Bull.
Nick Blunderbuss Green

Kingston & Surbiton Election Interlude Report

I had some icky qualms about standing in Kingston & Surbiton once again, however, with Sir Ed Davey now the party leader of the Lib Dems, the signs were that there’s good cud could be made. With the manicfesto made all up, I began to dive in completing my entry forms and also had to go off & things before the day is gone, arranging posters & what I would be eating in bed at dinner time. The usual 6-7 hustings events were limited to just 3 with attendance being rather pony (only 12 attendees with just 3 candidates were at one of them). ?
July 3rd was a lovely day & the ideal date for my trademark ‘Victory Party’ at Maypole Pub HQ as it fell on my friend Tim Smith’s birthday. The fabulous Timeless Tim Hain & his all stars, Chris Belshaw & Paul Davis delivered a superb evening of bleggae whilst Steve McShane stunned punters with his close-up magic, it was all spectacular!
Hope day arrived and after a few scoops in The Lamb, Surbiton the big ship set sal for the King’s Center in Chessington. Newt (our candidate for Kingston in 1992 & 1997), Strong Jon, Oz, Bone, Paging Jim, Lord & Lady Bamford and very special guest Emporess Yvonne Elwood entered the counting hall which was a ditzy scene with TVTV cameras abound in every corner.?
Just after 3am, with the atmosphere as cold as can be in an English sea, I finally achieved last place in an election with 230 votes to avoid being tarred & feathered before heading off to watch the other TVTV coverage at Sir Ed’s after ‘party’.?
Oh, a bizarre achievement from this election was receiving over 5 millions views on the internets whole world window, to date, of me thanking the votes . . . Is This The Life? The Mirror – Americans convinced UK isn’t real
Chinners

 

Holborn & St Pancras report

‘Holborn & St Pancras’ is a wonderful constituency name, it sort of rolls off the tongue. When I’ve been asked ‘where are you standing this time’ I’ve enjoyed rolling it out looking for any sign of recognition? I’m glad it wasn’t called ‘Camden’ as that would be far too obvious! Chinners and Knigel Knapp came to my rescue once again in my bid for the parliamentary seat. They connected me with local party supporter Joshua ‘Mad Hatter’ Mallinson who is on the party’s lunatic fringe and a crazy fireball of insanity. Joshua collected many nominating signatures on beer mats which may not have cut the mustard with the Camden Elections department and after a couple of phone calls and emails did it all again, seamlessly, on the appropriate form. Most amazingly, all bar one of the original signatories tallied as registered voters so it would seem that the noble ‘Tapping the Admiral’ drinkers are very conscientious democratic citizens.
I delivered my papers to the elections department on the 4th June with the help of Bootleg Richard and afterwards we met reporter Dan with Joshua and my campaign was launched with a piece in the Camden Journal and an interview with Lembit Öpik (7 min from the start)
Before I knew it my campaign was over and I was sitting in the Diwana Bhel Poori House having a lovely curry with my large group of counting agents all keen to see a loony landslide. We had a shortcut through Euston Station, a foray into Wetherspoons ‘The Captain Flinders’, and another shortcut through St Pancras Station. Then we were welcomed into the count at Camden Council’s new very snazzy venue at 5, Holborn Place and what a great night it was. I came eighth out of twelve candidates and was the first to shake Kier’s hand after the declaration!
Nick the Flying Brick

Richmond and Northallerton round-up

Our colourful team were Sir Archibald, Gilly, RU Seerius, Lady Hell ’n Back, Johnny Ringo, Susie Queue, Lord Stifflegs of Leyburn, Lady Di Lilli Pilli, locals Paul the Political Poet and Stew Exotic with his tiger Lazy Ass.
We rendezvoused for the evening at The Buck, the local Wetherspoons pub in Northallerton where Elspeth the manageress and the locals made us extremely welcome and where we were interviewed by Charlie from Tatler magazine.
We convened around 12.30am at the strict security count venue, Northallerton Leisure Centre prompting Gilly to say ‘we’ve seen more guns here than at the OK corral’
There were numerous photographs taken via the news networks and other candidates along with multiple interviews by the global TV and radio channels while the count was in progress.
Eventually after waiting for the arrival of the Prime Minister the result was announced shortly after 4.40am and I polled 99 votes and came 10th out of 13 candidates.
Gilly was once again prominent on the podium and our Party was supported by one of the other candidates on the podium who proudly displayed a large letter ‘L’ for Loony.
I managed to chat to the Prime Minister about Ringo’s mortgage going through the roof before we all departed the venue singing ‘we gotta get out of this place, if its the last thing we ever do’, to the great amusement of the Police.
Archie to mates – Sir Archibald to Magistrates

Our Results for the 2024 General Election

Lady Lily The Pink
Brecon, Radnor and Cwm Tawe
237
Citizen Skwith
Brighton Pavilion
257
Mark Citizen Lawrence
Chelmsford
187
Lord Psychobilly Tractor
Crewe and Nantwich
250
Martin Hogbin
East Surrey
327
Hoo-Ray Henry
Ely and East Cambridgeshire
271
Knigel Knapp
Hackney North and Stoke Newington
224
Nick the Incredible Flying Brick
Holborn and St Pancras
162
Nicholas Blunderbuss Green
Kenilworth and Southam
442
A. Gent Chinners
Kingston and Surbiton
230
Ezechiel Adlore
Leicester South
189
Iconic Arty-Pole
Louth and Horncastle
309
Baron Von Thunderclap
Mid Sussex
352
Mad Hatter
New Forest East
529
Howling ‘Laud’ Hope
North East Hampshire
340
Barmy Brunch
North East Somerset and Hanham
211
Sir Archibald Stanton
Richmond and Northallerton
99
Mad Mike Young
Sittingbourne and Sheppey
223
Earl Elvis of East Anglia
South West Norfolk
338
Titus Anything
Stafford
307
Sir Grumpus L Shorticus
Ynys Môn
156
James ALM Rust Blackpool North and Fleetwood 174

Ynys Môn – Isle of Anglesey

My name came from a colleague who one day burst out, ‘You’re just a grumpy dwarf aren’t you!’, another colleague Latin-ised it and I added the title and initial. This is a first for me, and for Anglesey, the Loony Party standing for Ynys Môn(ster). My Council Electoral Office seemed really quite bemused, but were extremely helpful.
These were my policies which helped me achieve 156 votes in the general election

  • A Unique Time Zone for Wales
    Reduce the hour from 60 minutes to 40, fully reversing the 20mph speed limits back to what they were without the cost of changing all the signs – again, and creating a whole new industry in manufacturing Welsh time pieces.
  • Build the Needed 3rd Bridge/Crossing – From Dublin
  • Grey Squirrels Entering Anglesey illegally will be sent to Rwanda (We only have reds)
  • Build Wylfa B nuclear power station, reverse the generated power into the wind-farms which would then propel Anglesey to an EU country of choice.
  • A Private Member’s Bill to make the misuse or omission of apostrophe’s a Criminal Offence
    Sir Grumpus L Shorticus

Blackpool North and Fleetwood

Election Fever is in the air in Blackpool North and Fleetwood as we move into the final phase of the plan for a Loony to seize power.
‘Crackers Count Corrosion of Forlorn Hope’ is relying on changing his lifetime of ‘nearly winning’ to break the two-party system and come out on top for once.
Crackers reports that it’s too close to call. The public goes wild wherever he attends hustings and so far he’s managed to dodge all the rotten eggs. His carer is busy handing out leaflets and the scene is set for an election landslide like never before!
Crackers

Will he stay or will he go

Our Candidate for Richmond and Northallerton Sir Archibold Stanton has been busy campaigning. He has been asked if, at the election count, the incumbent Conservative Candidate, a little known and even less seen, Mr Rishi Sunak will in fact turn up?
RU Seerius

Brecon, Radnor & Cwmtawe

I’m Lady Lily the Pink, AKA ‘Nun of The Above or Below’. I’ll be preaching the gospel of using your vote all over the Brecon, Radnor & Cwmtawe Constituency.
You can find me at all the available hustings between now and 4th July, doing what politicians do, not answering the questions, making promises I have no intention of keeping, and cuddling cute babies for the perfect photo opportunity! I’m here for the non-voters but would also like to increase voter turnout.
I don’t wish to steal anyone else’s votes, stop anyone voting if they have someone to vote for, or to stop anyone who wants to vote tactically doing so.
If you have lost faith, lost interest, don’t see the point, want to protest, need ‘a none of the above’ option then vote for Lily the Pink on the 4th of July!
Lady Lily the Pink