The Official Monster Raving Loony Party

Sir Archibald Stanton

As of yesterday, Tuesday 5th April 2022 all nominations for local council elections are in and announced. I am pleased to announce that ‘The Official Monster Raving Loony Party’ are contesting 11 seats.
Our Party Leader, Howling ‘Laud’ Hope is returned unapposed to ‘Fleet Town Council’ in Hampshire where he lives . He is also standing in the ‘Hart District Council’ which is the area that covers Fleet.
Sir Archibald Stanton is standing in ‘Dewsbury East’.
Trevor Halfperson, in doing Blackheath Westcombe Ward, London.
Charlie Read, Lord Charles is up for Fareham Hillhead, Hampshire.
Colonel Cramps and Lady Dave are doing Hook and Chessington.
A Gent Chinners, Captain Coley, Joe Lucky Gov, and Director of Undertaking Brunskill, all in Chessington South.
Now some great news, The Howling ‘Laud’ even at this early stage, is even more pleased to announce that he has been returned unapposed to the Fleet Town Council. So hypothetically, just 10 seats up for grabs on Thursday May 5th.
Best of Luck and Loonyism to you all.
Howling ‘Laud’ Hope – Party Leader.

The Official Monster Raving Loony Party have contested several parliamentary by-elections, but statistically at least this must go down as the worst of the current millennium – although for how long it will hold that record remains to be seen.

Our candidate Sir NosDa (Shadow Minister for Information Super Highway Maintenance) was reluctant to stand as he claims not to be a Brummie. However he is practically a local candidate due to completing two marathons along the canals underneath the Spaghetti Junction.

NosDa kept quite busy with his day job and his second jobs so only found time to visit the constituency each Friday at lunch time, where a few enlightening conversations with voters revealed that not many people would vote for him unless he got an haircut.

The media were quite preoccupied with other events. Storms,  world war three, and an earthquake all conspired against the Good Knight’s attempt to promote real issues that the election should be fought upon:

An Ice Cream Van selling a ’99’ flake for more than £1 should be fined hundreds and thousands.

One local news source ‘organised’ a very well attended hustings event, but failed to inform our candidate until the day before so he was unable to make plans to attend. His absence at the Candidates and Agent’s briefings was also noted upon / complained about by one of the opposing election agents.

To take up the slack in the campaign Howling Laud Hope spent a week in the constituency and surrounding JD Wetherspoon pubs, and courted the votes of all 49 members of the Erdington Social Club.

When election day finally arrived it was a dull, dark, damp, day – that probably alliterates with other adjectives too. Our tellers at the polling stations reported a very low turnout.

Whilst the Labour party campaigners were busy knocking on the last few doors, desperate to get their own members out to vote, the Loony party delegation met with all the members voting in Erdington for a sociable pint and a lamb curry.

By the time we arrived at the count they had already finished counting our 49 votes, so there was not much to do other than chat with the other candidates, photo-bomb the opposing teams, and be quite polite to some journalists.

We finished the night 12th out of 14 places

The 10 candidates polling less than 5% helped to boost the local economy by contributing £5,000 to Birmingham Council in the form of Democracy Tax  / Election Deposit payments.

The Good Knight Sir NosDa

Good people of Erdington
Dare you vote Loony? Below are a few reasons why you should..
You know it Makes Sense.

1. When formulating Policies the Government relies heavily on Expert Advise.The Loony Party will also take into account the opinion of “Dave on Facebook”Remember experts built the Titanic
2. Any possible schemes thought up by Government Council , NHS etc,  (such as closure of Hospitals, workplace parking levy etc) in the Erdington area will be preceded with a public consultation which we will then ignore.
3. We will reduce inflation by giving everyone free pins
4. Along with the existing Government policy for leveling up the North with the South we will provide free spirit levels to all
5. We will reduce hospital waiting lists by using a smaller font.
6. We will reduce net migration by making sure that any nets are secured more firmly to the ground.
7. With developers and councils increasingly in collusion with each other, we propose to upgrade the status of the greenbelt to that of a black-belt to prevent them from messing with it any further!
8. All hospitals will have an In-patients Dept. , Out-patients Dept. and a shake it all about patients Dept.
9. We will combat corruption in public life by taking part in it openly, we will introduce a Board of Bribery who will set standardised rates?. #sleaze for the many not just the few
10. In order to calm down the passions and stresses currently exhibited in Parliament,the Loony Party would make all M.P’s have half an hours compulsory Tai chi everyday.This would counteract the other 23 ½ hours Chi Ting they do for the rest of the time.
11. We propose to prevent identity theft instantly by calling everyone Chris.
12. All political and electoral leaflets will be printed on soft paper so that it may be recycled in the appropriate manner
13. The Civil Service will be extended to all branches of government, because a little politeness goes a long way.
14. To increase Jobs and wealth to the people of Erdington. Once in power we will declare Erdington independent from Westminster and convert Erdington to an inshore Tax Haven.
15. The British Museum should have a Daddy’s section alongside the current Mummy exhibition.
16. In an effort to reduce the problems faced by the NHS , it is proposed to reduce pregnancy from nine to seven months.
17. To protect pets and people of a nervous disposition we would introduce silent fireworks.

Published on behalf of the Official Monster Raving Loony Party 59 New Barn Close, Fleet, Hants GU51 5HU

Just a reminder, there will be local elections in your area on Thursday May the 5th 2022. Parish, Town, District or County. All free of charge no deposit needed. If you intend stand for the Loony Party you have to get a notice of consent from our nominations officer. Easily done by calling him on 07946292557. Also call this number if you’re unsure or need to know anything. Papers will have to be returned to your election office during the first week of April. We already have six councillors, lets see if we can’t double that at least.
Let your local Election Office know that you intend to stand ASAP to get full coverage, they will send you the papers or you can collect them. Any problems, we are here to help.
In the meantime all eyes on Erdington Birmingham for the Parliamentary By-Election on Thurs 3rd March. Our candidate is The Good Knight Sir NosDa, we all wish him luck.
Howling ‘Laud’ Hope

Due to the present Governments policy of removing restrictions on the general public we took the radical step of sacking one of our members, Lord Colin Murray, who was our Minister of Locks, Inns & unsocial pub hours. This has created a space in our forward-thinking team of experts so we have created a new Minister for Cups of Conversation, Connection & Community. We have decided to appoint as Minister, the more than qualified Lord Colin Murray to head this new cubbyhole in our overcrowded cabinet*
*The key to our party cabinet has now been taken away from Lord Murray in an attempt to prevent any future transgressions.
Agent Chinners