In the event of the by-election in Gorton going ahead I promise that the Loony Party will fix all issues and problems in Gorton and surrounding area within my three weeks in Parliament. The Loony Party is calling for a “try before you buy” election and Gorton will be the first time this great idea will be tested.
Vote Vote Vote! #mpforaweek
By-elections are wonderful crazy things and always great fun to be a part of. Stoke-on-Trent was my tenth attempt on Parliament, and fourth by-election. I feel I’m really getting into the swing of things now and am starting to feel quite confident in my political message, what-ever that is!
My interview with Emma Thomas outside BBC Radio Stoke was aired on Sunday Politics with my policy of putting Piranha’s in the River Trent turning out to be very popular with the electorate.
It was great, as ever, to have our glorious party leader entrenched in Stoke and working his magic on the ‘Stokies’, newspapers, and other parties for the five days before the election. He is always ‘on message’ and was enthusiastically holding training workshops on how to generate a better quality of FAKE NEWS.
A magnificent troupe of Loonies met at ‘The Terrace’, City Road, Fenton. Howling Laud and Flying Brick were joined by RU Seerius, Helen ‘Bak, Leutenant Jâger Schnitzel, Karen, Sir Tax-A-Lot, & Lady Table Manners. The Inflatable Johnny Disco and the Indestructible Captain Chaplington-Smythe also lent support and guidance at the pub before returning to Manchester.
The count was a big event and had a great atmosphere, Paul Nuttall made a bee-line for our party leader and gave him a big hug, I believe this was in anticipation of a Loony victory. We mingled seamlessly with the other parties and candidates including Barbara Fielding, who has the aura of a lovely sweet lady, the antithesis of her message in fact. It was a pleasure to meet the Liberal candidate Dr Zulfiqar Ali, a real gentleman and far too intelligent to be involved in politics.
There was an exciting scrum at the end of the night when the election was declared. In a strange break with tradition the candidates weren’t invited to join the returning officer on stage. Instead we were swallowed up in a frenzied media circus around Paul Nuttall and the winner Gareth Snell who gave me a man-hug in the excitement! He then fought his way through teaming tangle of reporters to give a some-what drowned out speech.
I once again came seventh, in a field of ten and came ahead of the BNP.
The Incredible Flying Brick
What good fun the ‘Stoke on Trent’ By-election was, our candidate ‘The Incredible Flying Brick’ put on a marvellous show. I was there in support for five days, staying at the ‘Crown Hotel’ in Longton, where the staff made us more than welcome.
I was out campaigning as usual, in the usual way, making friends and spreading the word. Myself and ‘The Brick’ met up for a TV interview, which will be shown on a ‘Brexit’ show later on in the year, June time I believe. We also met up for a tour of the local pottery towns, we had fun, but alas the weather was against any serious shennanigans, although we were made very welcome at the Ukip HQ, and met up with other candidates who treated us with the greatest of respect. They had to, in case we beat them, and we did, three of them at least. Many thanks to the party members who turned for the count, if you’ve never been to one, you’ll never know what your missing.
Here’s looking forward to the next one!
There will be two or three later on in the year when MPs put themselves up for the Mayors job, lets hope some of them win, only then will it cause a by-election. Where ever, we shall be there, so watch out for us in your area, you never know!!
The Illustrious ‘Howling Laud’.
- Abolish Gravity with immediate effect.
- Make fishing a spectator sport by introducing piranha to the Trent.
- Develop Stoke-on-Trent Civic Centre into an intergalactic space port. with Trent Vale and Hanley being respectively arrival and departure lounges. This will massively increase tourism.
- I will promote Pottermus Hippo to leader of Stoke City Council.
- Have a good breakfast of oatcakes and a delicious lunch of lobby.
- Royal Stoke hospital needs more specialist departments. The Loonys would add good old-fashioned medical wards including: Mercury potions, Electrolysis, Leeching and Lobotomy. The Loony’s will balance the humors.
- If the Liberal candidate fails to be elected we will still send him to the House of Commons to perform exploraTory thoracotomies, this will reveal whether any governing MP’s have a heart.
- I will ensure that all European trains will be fuelled by Gravy.
- We will encourage international free trade with America by knighting the President during his state visit, with the ‘Order of the Coiffure’ and he will be known as Sir Comb-Over.
Fake News Warning
Beware of all other politicians they are faking their fake-news. I am the only true fakir of fake news, almost but not quite, a facetious factory of fakiry.
Have a radical re-think, and be strong like Pottermus the Hippo. Have a good breakfast of oatcakes and a delicious lunch of lobby. Vote Loony for an incredible sense of well-being. Go completely potty at the polling station and put your X on the ballot paper for The Official Monster Raving Loony Party. Vote for insanity, vote for The Incredible Flying Brick, VOTE LOOOONY! . . . You know it makes sense.
The Incredible Flying Brick
Our candidate ‘The Iconic Arty-Pole’ polled 16 more votes than Richmond but finished 7th from 10, upholding our tradition of not coming last.
Dr Caroline Johnson – Con – 17,570
Victoria Ailing – UKIP – 4,426
Ross Pepper – Lib Dem – 3,606
Jim Clarke – Labour – 3,363
Marianne Overton – Lincs Ind – 2,892
Sarah Stock – Ind – 462
The Iconic Arty Pole – Raving Loony – 200
Paul Coyne – ND – 184
Mark Suffield – ND – 74
David Bishop – Bus Pass Elvis Party – 55
I arrived in Sleaford on Sunday 4th Dec, and quickly toured the public meeting places. As usual I was greeted with:
“great to see you, it wouldn’t be a real by-election if you weren’t here.”
Monday was fun, my old friend Nigel Farage held a public meeting in the local Legionnaires Club, I was there and ended up on stage when he stated that there was another party leader in attendance.
Tuesday saw me on a radio chat show and rallying the voters. If everyone that said “we will vote Loony” did, we would win. Perhaps they did vote for the Loony, the real ones! Wednesday ‘The Iconic’ arrived. He had been campaigning in other areas and leaving Sleaford to me. We toured the area in the ‘Loony Battle Bus’ with loud-hailer on full charge, always making people smile. Both of us on radio, and filmed for the local TV news.
Thursday saw us leave our ‘digs’ in Sleaford, The Cherry Tree B&B, thanks to Pauline the landlady, a very nice place.
In actual fact, right next door was ‘The Marquis of Granby’ a public house that made us very welcome, allowing me to use it as party HQ. We moved on to North Hykeham where the count was taking place, and booked into ‘The Ibis’ hotel, where we met up with Nick ‘The Flying Brick’, R U Seerius and Lady Hell ‘n Back. After meeting and greeting, all off to the count, which was another great night with cameras snapping. ‘Arty-Pole’ loved it, playing up to every click he heard, not missing a trick. The new Ukip leader of 17 days Paul Nuttall, insisted on having his picture taken with Britain’s longest serving party leader of 17 years, the Howling ‘Laud’.
All in all a very good by-election, ‘The Iconic Arty-Pole’ did us proud, and likewise we are all very proud of him!
Roll on the next one!!!
This by-election was caused by mysterious disappearance of No. 10’s Cheshire Cat David Cameron. So who better to replace him than Alisdair De Voil from Oxford, ‘The Mad Hatter’, who shouted “this is my tea party”, checked his watch, and made a dash for the nomination.
Our party leader Howling Laud arrived in Witney to support him a couple of days before the election, and was caught up in a film about ‘Political Party Leaders of Great Britain.’
‘The Mad Hatter’, Howling and Mark Stokes, a party activist from Shrivenham, toured the constituency mostly talking in French when they couldn’t remember what they were meant to be saying in English and supping from bottles that said “drink me!”. They ended up in a very nice public house called The New Inn, where they did seven impossible things just before breakfast.
Congratulations to The Mad Hatter for increasing his vote by 100% and coming 8th out of 14 candidates. We always knew it would be a tough Constituency, but it seems we are catching up fast with the Greens and Ukip who despite all their media attention, still only have one more M.P than us.
The night of the Count saw the arrival of the party faithful, ‘Nick the Flying Brick’, RU Seerius, Lady Helenbak, Chinners, and local supporters, George, Tom & Jerry.
Back to our candidate, didn’t he do well, 129 votes, coming 8th out of fourteen, and a big round of applause for all his efforts was heard around the hall.
We all agreed afterwards that it was a great success, and we’re quite looking forward to whenever and wherever the next one may be. Once again plaudits to ‘The Mad Hatter’ he did us proud, and thanks to Julian Bones the landlord of The Old Court Hotel for all his help and everybody else who voted for us.
Howling ‘Laud’ Hope
| Name of
|COURTS, Robert Alexander||The Conservative Party Candidate||17313
|LEFFMAN, Elizabeth Pendrill Raphael||Liberal Democrat||11611|
|ENRIGHT, Duncan Shaw Thomas||Labour Party||5765|
|SANDERS, Larry||Green Party||1363|
|BIRD, Kendrick Simon George commonly known as BIRD, Dickie||UKIP||1354|
|SALISBURY, Helen Rachel||National Health Action Party||433|
|SKIDMORE, Daniel James||Independent||151|
|DE VOIL, Alasdair Iain commonly known as HATTER, Mad||The Official Monster Raving Loony Party||129|
|WARD, Charles John Nicholas commonly known as WARD, Nicholas||Independent||93|
|BISHOP, David Laurence||Bus-Pass Elvis Party||61|
|JUG, Lord Toby||The Eccentric Party of Great Britain||59|
|MCKENZIE, Winston Truman||English Democrats – “Putting England First!”||52|
|ARNO, Emilia Rose||One Love Party||44|
|KNIGHT, Adam Digby||Independent||27|
In a hurried statement today ‘Nick the Flying Brick’ party Treasurer and Shadow Minister for the ‘Abolition of Gravity’ stated categorically that the ‘Official Monster Raving Loony Party’ have had no resignations and have no plans for a leadership contest.
Once again, we came, we saw, and didn’t conquer, but good fun trying. The all indelible Nick the Flying Brick was my agent, as always. He travelled down from Derbyshire and teamed up with Tooting party member, The Luscious Helen Lucas, and got the nomination papers all correct and proper, ready for the big day!
I arrived in Tooting on Wednesday 8th and ‘The Long Room’ bar and hotel formerly ‘The Mitre’ became our party HQ, along with JJ Moons in the High Street. If I may say at this point, the whole election streetwise was very uninspiring, ‘Sheikh Mehand’ came across from Kent to do some canvassing with me on the Friday, and even he asked “where is everybody”. Only ourselves, Des Coke of the Christian Alliance and Dr Malik of the Immigrants party were ever seen out and about. Usually there is good banter between partys when we meet up, which makes these occasions good fun. Didn’t see a Blue, a Red, Lib Dem, Green, Ukip rosette anywhere, or any of these party members on the streets. In fact there were only two Campaign offices in town, Dr Malik and Labour. The usual thing is to visit them, introduce ourselves and wish them the best of luck, which once again makes for the feelgood factor. Dr Maliks office welcomed us with open arms, and made us fell very welcome. Not so, the Labour office, they told myself and the Sheikh to ‘P–s Off’, or at least one of their ‘Over Officious Opinionated Officers’ did. Accused us of standing against him, I did point out that he had it wrong way round and that he was standing against us! In a democratic election, people stand together, don’t they, he didn’t seem to think so. The local newspaper loved this story, I made sure it went in there!
The ‘Exquisite’ Yvonne Elwood came to visit a couple of days but the weather was dreadful which didn’t help towards the atmosphere. Also Lawd Lawson and O B Joyful put in an appearance. Thanks for their commitment, sorry about the lack of sunshine!
Thursday 16th June, my birthday and polling day. The count was held in Wandsworth, not in Tooting at all. We all met up in the ‘Spread Eagle’ a public house opposite the counting house, by now RU Seerius and Lady Helenback, OB and the Lawd, Chinners and Flying, myself and Yvonne were all suitably dressed for the occasion. Lady Linda Landers also turned up but had to return home because of a burst pipe, very upset she was too! We made our usual entrance amongst clapping and cheering, cameras were snapping, a lot of hand shaking. Unfortunately to add to the doom and gloom of the weather and the evening itself, was the tragedy of Jo Cox.
Nevertheless we managed to come 7th out of 14 candidates, only got 54 votes mind you. I was surprised to see the English Democrats back again, they vowed and declared never to stand again after we beat them in Eastleigh, and we beat them again this time too, just for good measure. All in all, another successful invasion into the Political World, more stories and anecdotes to remember, And thankyou to the odd 54 people who knew who to vote for!
AS A PARTING NOTE, we shall not be contesting the Batley and Spen By-election. The seat left vacant by the regrettable circumstances surrounding Jo Cox. RIP.
Howling ‘Laud Hope