New Financial Services Axe:
We will revitalise Section 4 of the 1968 Theft Act. i.e. The crime of gaining property and pecuniary advantage by deception and apply it to the activities of Life Assurance Salesmen.
See entry under Paul Raymond and Asset Stripping.
Car Pet Tax:
All forms of fluffy dice, Garfield the Cat and other window devices, other than road tax, will be subject to the Punitive Licensing of Non-Kinetic Essential Road Sundry (P.L.O.N.K.E.R.S.) Tax.
Pitt introduced income taxes to pay for the Napoleonic Wars. We hereby declare the Napoleonic Wars at an end. Income tax will be abolished.
Tax to pay for our holidays abroad, or government in exile as it is more appropriately known, will be raised from the equitable basis of rating taxes at the point of sale, or in the case of Blue Tax, see above, conspicuous consummation. Taxation on petrol need not necessarily be increased, but anti-social devices such as cigarettes and Australian soaps will be taxed out of sight.
A further luxury Excise Duty of 10% will be assessed on specific expensive cars, which may happen to be imported cars, but simple coincidence, boats, furs and electrical goods.
Service charges for industry, such as telephone will increase at a greater rate than the private consumer. How many votes would we get from industry, compared with members of the public.
National Insurance Contributions:
The ceiling on National Insurance contributions will be removed, a flat levy at a consistent rate for all earnings will be charged whatever the earnings.
We will import a maximum earnings level of £125,000 per annum for any one individual as drawings or income. The surplus would have to be retained by the company, and therefore taxed at Corporation Taxes rates. No one person, other than our representatives is worth ten times the national wage average.
Many of the unemployed income tax collectors will be retained as Pollution Inspectors. They will be self-financing, since we aim to raise £20billion by way of pollution taxes over the first five years of Government.
The removal of income tax and punitive pollution tax on manufacturing plants, power stations, farms and all manners of processing plants, will bring about an environmental friendly off-shore financial services related service satellite for Europe. We won’t actually make or do anything, but it will be really neat lying in the meadows thinking about all the money we are making on off-shore tax haven related business.
All caravans will be subject to a £250 Road Fund licence duty.
Any mobile traffic offence involving a caravan will involve an automatic five year ban from towing caravans in future.
A purchase tax of £2,000 shall be applied to all new sales of caravans.
A purchase tax of £500 shall apply to all second-hand caravan sales.
This action will substantially improve the economy by:
- Raising funds.
- Reducing the number of caravans towed, therefore increasing Guest House and Hotel occupancy rates.
- Clear the roads of many of its traffic jams and causes of accidents.
- Clear scenic coastal views of unsightly sights sighted at the seashore.
Not guilty plea:
We ‘wus bevvied mu’lud
All overseas investment by U.K. residents shall be banned, i.e. there shall be no foreign policies.
Foreign policy in Europe should again be left in the hands of our established ambassadors, Manchester United, Liverpool and Arsenal. There will be the ever present risk of sexual blackmail, since although homosexuality appears to be compulsory in the Diplomatic Service, we believe our forthright and trusting working-class boys will achieve greater penetration in Diplomatic circles. We have some good news for Norbert Stiles OBE since he will keep it tight at the back for our key diplomatic posting. The bad news is that the posting to Estudaintes de la Plata.
Our so-called independent nuclear capacity shall be cancelled. The reality of our independent nuclear capacity shall be achieved by returning the nuclear warheads to America, airmail. Call collect.
Trident can be scrapped. The only decent fork in history was Mortens Fork, used to toast the rich and prod the poor on behalf of that robbin’ hood, Henry Llewellyn Tudor VII. Putting Trident aside will therefore save a lot of forking about.
All previous secret policemen in East Germany, Romania and Czechoslovakia will be conscripted into service as taxi drivers. This will ease traffic flow and communications since passengers will only have to give the name of the person they wish to see, and the taxi driver will not only immediately know the destination, and that of his cousins and his workmates. If the scheme is successful in Europe, we shall extend it as part of our domestic programme for M.I.5 and M.I.6, thereby clearing congestion on the M.I.25, M4, M5 and M1.
Domestic affairs shall be made a criminal offence. The sanctity of marriage should not be transgressed, and adulterers stand the risk of being stoned … and visa versa.
We shall introduce legislation to decriminalise hotting. Inner city redevelopment facilities will be available for tarmac tracks, specifically for the purpose of hotting. In fact, participants of this good natured and innocent fun can look forward to anything up to one year of free accommodation, bed and breakfast and security provided.
Indigenous religions shall be tolerated, and even encourage in our polytetheastic society. However where the activities of one group restrict the freedoms, practices and conduct of another, such as event in Amritsar we shall clamp down – Sikh and yee shall be fined.
If the imbecilic members of the family can find no useful occupation, and Church of England still refuses to have them, then we find most of them dressing up curious uniforms, indulging in unspecified sado-masochistic rituals, salutin’ and marchin’. This state of affairs is inherited, consuming an awful lot of the nation’s gross domestic product, with no manufacturing output. We shall therefore convert this open asylum, mainly harmless, to relaying water supplies (see Green Issues), sewage and drainage, roadways and canals, railways and maintenance of playgroup exercise areas. We will therefore encourage the military to change the habits of a lifetime and be civil.
Any metropolis or conurbation, we like big words, with a population of over 50,000 will by law have to have a 75% sewage recycle programme. This is only currently being undertaken in certain parts of Westminster. Grants and available technology shall be provided for the avoidance of the crazy Victorian idea of pumping raw sewage out to sea.
Increased water purification standards shall apply. All waterways shall be nationalised, the landowner only owns the riverbed, and not the water and fish which come and go unless said fish are tagged with the owner’s name, address and muzzled, fish and owner.
Farmers shall be heavily fined for accidental seepage or silage when our pollution inspectors (take you out, take you out, in the slurry with the hinge unlocked).
To regain the importance of Victorian values, which seems to have slipped off the agenda for most major parties, we will reinstate hedgerows and forested areas in accordance with the Ordinance Survey may of 1848. This will provide two important advantages:
We have the opportunity of re-fighting the Crimean War, but as we never learn from history, we are doomed to repeat our mistakes.
cut crime figures in the U.K. since by re-running the Crimean War we may avoid the invention of the balaclava.
Albanian gold shall be returned to the rightful government, if they simply give us back our battleships and a 99 year lease on Southern Albania, the area with a Greek majority. This land will be rented back to the Greek Albanian majority in return for an undertaking to provide cheap and pleasurable Adriatic holidays in otherwise unexploited areas. This will put the Albanian economy back in the black, and we get the tans. Since the Greek minority would then be excluded from the rest of Albania this is an unusual example of a gift barring Greeks.
Banks shall be unable to write-off, or claim relief against the first 15% of any loan or bankrupted debt left with them. This will introduce an unfamiliar note of responsibility to the lending policy of institutions even more loony than our own.
Banks shall also be precluded from having any interest in, selling or receiving commissions from Life Assurance, Pensions and investment business. Their business is that of lending money below the point of usery, but above the point of boredom, i.e. reasonable interest, and not insurance salesmen.
Insurance salesmen shall be banned. No investment contract may be sold or signed outside of an office place. No individual can sell or receive commission on investment business, unless he has been working for that same company for at least five continuous years. The Life companies shall pay a levy of £10,000 per annum for each appointed representative they employ. Independent financial advisers shall pay a levy of £5,000 for each independent financial advisor they employ. Although strict licensing is the limit of our intent at present, the industry is put on guard and attention is drawn to the Dangerous Dogs Legislation, with compulsory muzzling and neutering for persistent offenders.
The Ford Escort van 1300cc engine with catalytic exhaust shall be nationalised. The car shall be produced in constant supply, irrespective of demand, and be made available at incredibly silly prices for all worthy organisations, local authorities and small businesses on a means tested basis.
The Morris Minor with a 1100cc engine, but with original chrome and split windscreen will also be re-introduced on a mass produced basis. State funding of the provision of mass-produced easily accessible vehicles which can be adapted for disabled use will give real mobility to the people, and undermine the expensive import care market. Look, if the Trabant can achieve cult status…
RESTITUTION OF PROPERTY ACT:
Gollum must give Siegfried his ring back.
It is true that headline inflation has reduces since it peaked in 1982 with the infamous “GOTCHA”.
Be there when our enforcement officers finally hand Arni Sacknussen the writ for desertion and five years back payment for maintenance.
LIBERAL BAND WAGON:
The fact that one of the most outstanding cricketers of all time was Colin Bland, is says a lot about cricket as an athletic and gripping sport. This leads us to wallow in blandness along with Marlon Blando, holidays in Bllandudno, the constitutional fiasco of calling the election date – Blandman’s Bluff.
Lettuce with gladsome mind, Praise the Lord for He is kind.
From the stones and bric-bracs that you throw we can build a fortress capable of withstanding your siege.
WHERE DO WE FIND THE STATUS QUO?:
We are the political wing of the Liberal Party.
GLOSSARY OF TERMS:
- Conciliatory – William Waldergrave
- Conspiratory – Sir Geoffrey Howe
- Defamatory – Jeffrey Archer
- Discriminatory – Enoch Powell
- Fragmentory – Michael Heseltine
- Invertabratory – Kenneth Baker
- Mandatory – John Major (Majoritory?)
- Mediaocracy – Social Democratic Party
- Momentory – John Major
- Moneytory – Nigel Lawson
- Or…a…tory – David Owen
- Regulatory – Lord McKay of Clashfern
- Salutatory – Tom King
- Transitory – Malcolm Rifkind
- Unitory – Ian Paisley
- Valedictory – H.M. Government 1979-1992
This page compiled by Ros (Mad Cow Girl) Warner