manifesto proposals
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Keep Britain Tidy
People caught littering will be punished by being picked up by a large pair of forceps (The claw shaped grabbing devices used by park attendants) and dropped into the nearest landfill site. (Which will be relocated to their back yard) -
K9 IQ
The true intelligence of dogs will be fully recognised and appreciated. (when did you last see a dog step in a human poo?) -
Honoured for Good Taste?
It is proposed that Graham Norton to be Knighted and appointed as uniform designer for the police and armed forces. -
English.
Anyone using American spelling should be made to carry a very large copy of the Oxford English Dictionary around with them for a week. -
Always a Winner
The misuse of apostrophes will be punished by extra English lessons for the culprit. (For those who dont know, an apostrophes, is a trophy or certificate, that is sent by Post) -
Sports Days
Any school banning sports days for their being too competitive, will have to hold a teachers-only athletics competition. -
Stocks
The stocks will be re-introduced as a punishment for anti-social behaviour. -
Security Issues:
All sealed private letters to be banned - we propose that all letters must be written on postcards, and emails to be routed through police stations. (After all honest citizens have nothing to hide) -
Environment
It is proposed that all anglers be given free licenses from Sept - March. However the deal is that they don't throw the fish back. Water displacement will then lower the levels of the rivers..........ergo: No floods. -
Edukayshun.
Ban the teaching of foreign languages. Instead, invest in other countries learning of English. -
Prison Overcrowding.
To help prevent prisons becoming over crowded criminals may be required to be locked into their own homes. -
Reforms for Firemen.
To help ease the duties of firemen:
The Loony party would paint little arrows on all trees so that cats could find their own way down. and all metal railings, would have a maximum gap of two inches (and no spikes) so that no one could get their heads stuck in them. -
Preferenshall Treatment.
A number of ancient privileges are associated with the Freedom of the City of London - They include the right to herd sheep over London bridge, to go about the City with a drawn sword, and if convicted of a capital offence, to be hung with a silken rope. Other advantages are said to have included the right to avoid being press-ganged, to be married in St Paul's Cathedral, buried in the City and to be drunk and disorderly without fear of arrest.
It is proposed that these rights be extended by law to all OMRLP members. -
Educaysion.
It is proposed that we should all be made to speak Latin. That would have several
beneficial effects
(1) It would slow us all down
(2)It would enable botanists to take over the government and regulate colour harmonies in windowboxes and the planting of daffodils
(3)It would enable us to at last understand what the Scots are upset about. The Cambridge Latin Course book,numbers 1,2,3,4 and 5 should be banned. Anyone who is called, or has been called "Quintus", "Salvius" "Caecillius" or "Cogidubnus" should be shot.
Even better, they should be sent to Rome, to beg forgiveness. -
Eddukayshun.
Sports lessons to include paintball -
Learning and fings.
Science lessons to be replaced by practical project to get a hamster on the moon -
Eddukayshun.
Drama and English lessons to be dedicated to watching the Simpsons -
Eddukayshun.
Pupils to be allowed to decorate the corridors -
Pets.
It will be illegal to name your Cat "Cat Mandu". There can be only one -
Pets.
All pets shall have the right to sensible names. 'Rover' and 'Cuddles' will be banned under the new law -
Eddukayshun.
All pupil records will be abolished, only results from tests will be recorded for future use. This insane policy will help cut the Teachers work load and give them back more free time to teach. -
Health.
Everyone will be encouraged to smile at least once a day. Passing the smile on will cheer up the person smiled at. A happy person is a healthy person -
Sport.
The hundred metres sprint is over too quickly, therefore it will be slowed down by introducing the carrying of their grandmothers. Football shall stay as it is. Anybody wishing to take part in the Hammer Throwing competition must have a doctors certificate proving their sanity -
Trade and Industry.
Industries will be made to clean themselves up, especially when advertising their products. If an advert claims 'you can't eat three' then this must be backed up by independent scientists, or a disclaimer must be shown stating the lie. The disclaimer must be double the size of the original advert. -
Media.
The Media must print only the truth and publish apologies on the front page. Page three girls will only be acceptable if a page three boy is also shown. Stories featuring the eating of CurlyWurlys must be given the space before any other story, unless it's an apology about an untrue or bad CurlyWurly story. -
Agriculture.
Green Vegetables shall be boiled in food colouring so that they are all bright red, because no-one likes greens -
Regions.
Every region shall hold a gala. The only criteria specified shall be that Councilors will be held in stocks, while the electorate throw custard pies, eggs, rotten tomatoes at them. This will allow them to regain their humility. More Regions will be created so that more Councilors can be humiliated -
Law and Disorder
Any dog owner caught allowing their dog to poo on the pavement must be given the chance to redeem themselves before going to court and paying a large fine by picking up two Tesco shopping bags worth of other dogs poo. -
Environment
More trees should be planted to combat the rise in less trees. Brown field sites should be renamed to stop dog owners thinking they stand for dog poo sites. -
Politicians with Stars in their eyes
In order to make politics more "user interactive" we suggest that the BBC launch a new “reality” show, called "Politicians!" along the same lines as "Popstars" in which Anne Robinson, “Nasty” Nigel, and Jeremy Paxman tour the country, auditioning thousands of young, fresh-faced political wannabes. We will replace all current MPs, with the winners of “Politicians!” (the exclamation mark gives it a “edgy” feel, to appeal to young, hip, viewers). In this way, our country will be governed by people who are not only enthusiastic, honest, and brave enough to face Anne, Nigel, and Jeremy, but can do a lovely “Bridge Over Troubled Waters” in four part harmony as well. -
Bullseye
In keeping with the Government trend of setting up league tables and stupid impossible targets, we have decided that we will follow their example. We will reduce crime & disorder by October..........2001 -
Parlymentree reform
To encourage more people to vote we propose making the Parliamentary candidate selection process more fun. They would have to take part in a nationwide custard pie throwing competition. They would get a different coloured custard pie relating to their political beliefs, i.e., blue for Tory, blue for...err...Labour (!), yellow for lib Dems, invisible for independents, red for socialists.
"last man standing wins" -
Knickers policies:
Underpants to be fitted with catalytic converters to reduce the amount of harmful emissions into the atmosphere. -
Music??????
Boy bands should be outlawed as a great drain on the nations morale. -
Future Road Safety.
We shall set up an inquiry into 1. What could be worse? and, 2.How many people do actually get run over by buses ....This will be done sometime in the future, possibly tomorrow. -
Road Safety
Why are the 'airbags' in cars described as safety devices?
It is proposed that Car manufacturers replace Airbags with a Big Metal Spike pointing at the driver - That would make him drive much more safely. -
Government White Papers
It is proposed that we introduce different coloured papers to brighten fings up.
Pink and red and Yellow, would be nice and we could introduce polka dots and rainbow striped paper. (This would be especially cheerful on Tax Assessment forms and V.A.T. Returns) -
Consumer Affairs
Manufacturers will be made to compensate for the "Old and Inferior" goods that they have now replaced with "New and Improved" -
Defence
We will spend less on de-fence and more on de-gate and de-garden in general so we can all enjoy more of de-grub, -
Economy
Poetry will replace property as collateral. -
Economy
Banks will be charged for looking after overdrafts. -
Economy
Electricity bills will be cut in halved. Everyone will get a free pair of scissors. -
Health
We will combat stress by abolishing Mondays ands having two Saturdays. Further reducing stress we will introduce the third class stamp. By the time your letter arrives the problem will have disappeared. -
Health
Hospital waiting lists will be halved overnight. Patients with surnames beginning with letters A-M will be treated one week N - Z the next, hence the longest wait for treatment will be one week. -
Environment.
People who drink gin and tonics will not be allowed ice. This will help to preserve the polar ice cap. -
Environment
To make electric cheaper to produce all joggers will be placed in a huge revolving drum linked by a dynamo to the national grid. -
Transport
One pedestrian is knocked down every 15 minutes in the United Kingdom and he's getting fed up with it. We intend to triple the width of all pavements to make our roads safer. -
Environment
We will channel all the hot air coming from Parliament into a purpose built Wind farm just off the Coast, so that everyone will have free heating in the winter, and electric fans in the summer. -
Yourup
A Downing Street spokesman has confirmed that in order to meet the conditions for joining the Euro the phrase 'spending a penny' is not to be used after the 31st of December 2001.
The Loony Party propose that from this date the correct terminology will be 'euronating' -
Going in Circles
We will abolish roundabouts, and replace them with friendly Traffic policemen. (assuming there is such a thing) -
Vote For a Public Holiday
Our thanks go to Mick Jones of Loughborough who pointed out that Elections are always held on Thursday, which happens to be one of the days of the week when most of us go to work.
As we British work the longest hours in Europe, it leaves little time for much else. Perhaps that why we have a low turnout. It is proposed that: we should try Sunday Elections, then we could pop in and sort out the democratic process on the way to Asda or B & Q? -
Political reform.
Due to the massive increases which M.P's seem to vote for themselves it is proposed that:
A. All M.P,s should have to sign on at the local Employment Office and provide evidence that they have been doing some work.
B. All M.P's should be paid by the Social Security Office via a giro in the Post. Then we shall see how they like being short changed and paid three weeks late.
Political reform cont....
It is proposed that it would be illegal to call yourself a Party if it can be proved that you don't. (Having said that could someone check the Trades Description Act). -
Political reform continued
It is proposed to: Reduce the deposits fees required to become a candidate, to 1 Yahoo
Everyone should be allowed to make a fool of themselves, without having to be rich or belong to a Political Machine. -
Educaytion, Eadukshun, Edukayshun,
It is proposed that the Government re-instate Student Grants, as their parents have invariably already paid for them via taxes. Bearing in mind that the Students will also be contributing via their taxes in future years. (Probably many times over). -
Transport
Jumping Red Traffic Lights is illegal.
It is proposed that: In future all offenders will be made to drive through them like everybody else. -
1/2 Parking Fees
It is proposed that parking fees in Public Car Parks are made transferable to others. Why should we not be allowed to give the time remaining to someone else. At the moment Companies and Authority Car Parks are getting paid twice for the same space.
(Suggested on 23/3/00 by a member of The Nottingham High School)
It is also proposed that all 3 wheeled Reliant Robins, Bubble Cars and Mini’s get free or reduced fee parking in Public Car Parks At the moment they pay the same as a Rolls Royce or Cadillac. -
Penshuners.
There has been some worry lately about the rising level of "Grey" Crime
The pic below taken on CCTV proves the point
To help reduce the need for pensioners to resort to crime:
It is proposed that all pensioners (those on benefit) should be provided a free telephone (connected) so they would be able to telephone their friends and relatives without the worry about cost. It would also be useful for emergencies
TV Licenses: should be free for all pensioners over 65 yrs old not 75.
We know that this will be a really silly idea, but how's about giving pensioners a decent pension that they can live on without having to scrimp and scrape. -
Internet
It is proposed that everyone should have free connection to the Internet. This would enable everyone to gain information easily, it would allow British business to be able to compete in the global marketplace, and more importantly they would be able to default their browser to the OMRLP homepage. In education it would allow children to continue their learning at home. and then their parents would know where their kids were at night, thus reducing crime, and litter. -
Water.
Did you know that at present Water Companies charge Businesses for the rainwater that falls on their premises and then goes down the drain.
It is proposed that this practice is stopped, and that metered businesses be given a rebate for saving the Water companies from having to build more reservoirs.
This would also apply to residential properties who can no longer get Flood Insurance.
Also why do we have to pay (or get taken to court) months in advance for Water Rates. Our employers don't pay us in advance neither do we stock up on water for a rainy day. -
Mortgages
It is proposed that all Mortgages have fixed permanent rates of interest for the length of the loan period.
When the Government or Bank of England decides arbitrarily to increase the rates Mortgage companies also increase their rates next day, which normally means people end up paying more even though they haven't borrowed anymore.
The powers that be tell us its to slow down spending, and then tell us that our Industry is having a hard time as no one is spending. -
Industry
It is proposed that any equipment or start-up loans for Industry is also at a fixed rate for the period of the loan, so they can plan forward with confidence, and we stand a better chance of keeping our jobs. -
Monopoly's
In keeping with Lord Sutch's query some years ago." Why is there only one Monopoly's commission?" It is proposed that we set up TWO independent enquiries to sort out this problem twice and for all.
Also we would make sure that everybody has at least one Monopoly Game ....but only one. -
Electoral Reform again.
The age at which people can stand for election should be reduced to 18 yrs
At this age you can Vote, Drink, and do almost anything else, except stand for election. -
Political Correctness
(Suggested by Alan (Howlin Laud) Hope)
The Isle of Man be renamed The Isle of Person
Nuff said!!! -
More Political stuff
Political Contributions from Unions.
Most Unions make a political contribution to the Various Political Parties paid for from the subscriptions of their members. Although you can opt out, which is a load of hassle, most people don't bother or don't know.
Union members should be able to donate (or withdraw) their share to any political party they wish when they join.
Even the OMRLP.
It is Loony that as a candidates for the OMRLP,if you belong to a Union, we are contributing to the opposition. -
National Non-Insurance
It is proposed that National Insurance is disbanded, as we already pay for the National Health, Pensions, and other benefits from our high indirect Taxes. Added to this the fact that no one ever gets a no claims discount. -
Privatisation.
When nationalised or Government owned industries are Privatised, the shares are sold to those who can then afford to buy them.
This system is wrong as we have all contributed via our taxes to the business in question, so some of us are in effect paying twice, whilst others get nothing.
It is proposed that any business being privatised in which the Government has an interest should have its shares divided equally to every person on the electoral register FREE. -
Fancy Dress Hire Shops
It is proposed that and that Fancy Dress Shops should get a Government Subsidy, and be 0% rated for V.A.T -
EFnic Minorities
It is proposed that all members of the OMRLP be designated an efnic Minority. On the basis that 99.999999% of the population will then have to do what we say.......or else we sue. -
Fuel Shortages
We think we have found an answer to the problems of the high cost of Fuel.
Buy Less, and Walk more.
ALTERNATIVE POLICY:
Get rid of the Labour Government. -
Loony Party Financial advice
Buy Low, Sell High. -
Opinion Polls.
It is proposed that the OMRLP should not take into account the opinion of Polls when considering our policies. Although the Polish are our allies and good friends of this country, We feel that Polls should keep their opinions to themselves an not get involved in the politics of other countries. -
Cyclists
The Councils and Government spend hundreds of thousands of pounds building Cycle routes and lanes to keep cyclists safe and away from vehicles.
Cyclists then ride on the road causing danger to themselves and other road users
It is proposed that all cyclists must (by law) drive in the cyclists lane if provided.
They wouldn't like it if we drove on their bit. -
Cuisine
Jamie Oliver, Delia Smith and Ainslie Harriet should be boiled in a cauldron of scalding hot water before any public appearance
(suggested by Mr A. Lobster) -
Payment Protection Insurance.
Millions of people pay millions of pounds for payment protection in the event of illness or unemployment. But the Insurance companies rarely pay out due to the stringent conditions in the small print which they don't tell you about when you initially get covered. so:
We propose that the government introduce a Payment Protection Insurance for Payment Protection Insurance that doesn't protect your payments. -
Health at your Convenience.
We propose a law banning those hot hand dryers in toilets that switch of before your hands are dry, its so annoying.
(suggested by Lady Penelope P.P.C Crawley) -
Antisoshall behaveyer.
Labour's policy of giving rewards to Bad people who may be Good is stupid.
There's no deterrent.
We propose that any BAD person be given and forced to listen to the entire Back catalogue of DES O'CONNER's greatest hits.
This would demonstrate what anti-social behavior really is. -
Business.
We all know that businesses are complaining about the ever increasing amount of Red tape that they have to deal with every week.
We have the answer:
We will ban all red tape on Sundays. This means that business will only have Red tape for six days per week.
We also propose that all Red tape will be changed to yellow and black (Loony Party Colours), and that any excess Yellow and Black tape be collected and made into snazzy party rosettes. -
Elektrickery.
It should be mandatory that, in the event of a power cut, when the power goes off, it should be switched back on 30 seconds later for 2 minutes so you can locate the candles and flashlights. (suggested by Galaxy Woman) -
Motorway Blockages
To avoid bank holiday congestion - make nasal sprays freely available in those little phone boxes on the motorways (suggested by Clipper Ride) -
Asylum in English
It has been proposed that all Asylum seekers and refugees will be taught to speak English. This will be of great benefit (it has been said) when these people are relocated in Glasgow (or Birmingham)..
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