I am very pleased to be standing for Hartlepool in the by-election happening on the 6th of May. Just like everyone else I have been locked away for too long and am really looking forward to coming up to Hartlepool in a few weeks to win votes for the Loony Party. I am hoping to knock the Labour ‘red wall’ down with a loony landslide and replace it with a yellow hedgerow of insanity.
I would very much like to thank my election agent George Stuart, aka ‘Sir Adrian Wall’, our minister for Scottish Widows and other Highland affairs, and ‘Dotty Dot’ for collecting the ten nominations.
We’ve all been inside for too long, I’ve had my first jab and looking forward to my second vaccination and after the election I very much hope to be Hartlepool’s next MP!
I am a single issue politician,and have had a long-standing campaign for the abolition of gravity.
My other policies:
- The Houses of Parliament will be relocated next to Hartlepool Marina.
- To halt the spread of new Covid variants all international travel will be by paddle steamer.
- We will enrol the Hartlepool ‘Victoria Arms’ darts team to speed up the pace of the vaccination program.
- Hartlepool Golf Club will be re-developed into an intergalactic space port.
- Visiting EU officials in Brexit trade talks with the UK will be required to wear a Darlington football strip. This will ruin their game.
- Return the British currency to pounds, shillings, pence, farthings and groats. Rural villages such as Hart can resume trade in shiny beads.
- The Official Monster Raving Loony Party would create fifty trillion pounds through quantitative easing and give all voters free lunch and complimentary drinks for ever.
- The Loony Party will issue ‘looncoin’ a crypto currency based on ‘bitcoin’ as a reserve currency just in case the fifty trillion pounds quantitative easing doesn’t work.
- All our remaining gold reserves will be placed on the last race at the Sedgefield Races in a bid to reduce the national debt.
- Coastal fishing will be made a spectator sport by introducing saltwater crocodiles into Hartlepool Bay.