Bananas refused at Old Bexley & Sidcup by-election count

Due to the inclement weather my campaign was heavily concentrated in cosy pubs where local drinkers readily approached me and my team for information. We left the cold-calling on cold doorsteps to the other parties. Pubs in both Bexley and Sidcup were covered, including Wetherspoon’s of course. Handed out were million pound notes freshly picked from the money tree in my back garden. I supply the million pound notes with a promise that they will become legal tender when our party wins power.
We were joined by the redoubtable Sheikh Mihand for one day of the campaign. He was sporting his usual Arab’s chequered headdress cunningly disguised as a tea towel.
We ignored an official request to arrive for the election count at 9:30pm so as not to get in the way of incoming ballot boxes from 10pm onwards. Instead we waited in a local Wetherspoon’s until we had supped sufficiently then made a grand entrance into the count an hour after it had begun. Joining the Howling Laud and me were Alan Cook (aka Baron von Cookie), his brother Mark, together with their dad Terry who all hail from Sidcup. They proved to be a terrific help with my nomination and campaign.
At every election count on my home turf I traditionally distribute bananas to all as a gesture of goodwill. Remarkably, not a single person would accept my proffered bananas and I was left with a briefcase full of the wonderful yellow fruit. Family members have subsequently transmutated the surplus into banana loaf.
Finally, it was announced that the moment of declaration had arrived. I rushed to the front of the pack and bounded up onto the stage to grab pole position only to be promptly turfed off by an official and instructed exactly where to stand down on the floor in front of the platform. Apparently only the mayor takes the platform and he makes the declaration. I was on the end of a lineup of eleven candidates but Howling Laud came to the rescue by invading the lineup to shake my hand, successfully upstaging the winner and getting us both in camera shot. As ever, he is the master of publicity.
Finally, I am proud that my record of failing to win a seat in the Commons remains unbroken.
Mad Mike