Myself and 12 others stood along side each other to contest this seat, and one other, was none other, than Theresa May our current Prime Minister. I had spent a couple of days campaigning in the area whilst getting my nomination papers signed, thanks to Emma Theron ‘The Barmy Baroness of Berkshire’ and all her friends in Wargrave, a great help they were too. Its good to have party members on hand when you need them.
Being on the Daily Politics show with Andrew Neale gave us some good exposure, letting people know that we were taking part in this election.
Moved into Maidenhead on Sun 4th June to take up residence in the Thames Riviera Hotel until it was all over.
Maidenhead wasn’t the kind of town I thought it would be, at least not canvassing wise, a high profile Parliamentary Election like this, and only I and the Green Party were seen on the streets according to the locals.
Wednesday I had more support arrive, Lawd Lawson, and O B Joyful arrived, staying in same hotel. We very quickly decorated their big 4×4, and took to the streets much to the glee of people around town, with the Loud Hailer. To rounds of applause and shouts of “well done” we are voting for you. Well, 119 kept their word.
Thursday two more counting guests arrived Patric Downes ghosting writing, my Autobiography (sounds spooky I know),’ and Derrill carr, as a link man between the Election and our local paper, plus a very proficient photographer and publicist. ‘The Bear’ Wetherspoon in the High Street was our party HQ, and did we need it, it rained every day. We left here at 12 midnight and made our way to the count. All the usual camera’s flashing as we made our entrance. A lot of the same adulation “glad you’re here, it wouldn’t be an election with the Loony’s”
Wandering around meeting all the usual faces and media guys and gals, good banter, good fun. And of course ‘Lord Buckethead, and I had a lot to say to each other. I suspect that he not the original L B, when I asked him if he was the same L B who stood against Margaret Thatcher and John Major, all I got was “I am Lord Buckethead”, when my question needed a yes or no, but then again a typical politician I suppose, but I doubt that he is ! He caused quite a stir, but we handled each other pretty well. When we rule the ‘Looniverse’ he is the minister of Intergalactical Affairs.
The big moment arrives, in comes the ‘Lady in Red’ would you believe, yes Red, not Blue. Another big mistake she made, apart from calling a General Election and walking away with less seats than she had to start with. On watching this Mr Corbyn must have been laughing all the way to his bed time. She was rushed, no time for cameras or any other media. Reporters were shouting “Prime Minister, Prime Minister, are you going to resign”, which didn’t add too her esteem at all. Candidates were called to the stage for the final countdown, this is when I can assure you that I was the only other candidate that she spoke to. I gave her one of our badges with her face on, with a balloon saying ‘Vote Loony’, she declined at first but I insisted, “take it, its for you” when she saw that it was only a badge she took it, smiled, showed her ‘minder’ and handed it back to me. Once again “no its yours” upon which she remarked, but I have no pockets ! ! ! Upon which I remarked “ok I’ll post it to you “. Her final words with a wry smile were “ok if you must”. After her speech she was whisked even quicker through the back door, once again leaving the Cameras, TVs, reporters all stranded.I did notice a tear in her eye, a very disconcerted woman.
Getting back to the results of the evening, as I said earlier, I got 119 votes, and thinking of the Daily Politics show when Andrew Neale said if “I got to many votes it would put my party leadership in jeopardy” I thought I’m ok here after watching some of our other amazing results come in, what a great accolade for our leader to come last. But it was not to be, Nigel Knapp who stood against Jeremy Corbyn in Islington North, beat me to the post with 106, 13 votes less than me. Well done Nigel, and well done to you all, what a great effort at such short notice. The Belle of the Ball title goes to Ann Kelly, the Mid Bed Minx she polled 667, the bottle of Champagne is hers, and in all fairness a pint of beer for Nigel, to be claimed at this years conference in Blackpool ! — 3,890 votes in all, once again, you all be proud of yourselves, as we are all proud of each other ! !
The Howling ‘Laud’
If you as a candidate have any stories to tell about your experiences with photo’s, send them in, its all very good for the history and the archives of our Illustrious Party.
This coming Friday 16th June, please spare a thought for our dearly departed Spiritual Leader, ‘Screaming Lord Sutch’. It will be 18 years ago that he left us. I know its an annual ritual for some to visit him in Pinner Cemetary, if you go along I’m sure you will meet other like minded people.
We are to issue free beanie hats to all so when in government we can ‘pull the wool over everyone’s eyes’.
- To provide a Strong & Stable Government we will relocate Parliament to the Tower of London.
- France will be required to return Brittany.
- All Europeans to pay to use the English Channel, and all Creme Anglais to be made in Britain.
- Germany will have to pay for all treatment of German Measles, and Spain ditto for Spanish Flu.
- Tactically we should start Brexit negotiations with a bluff induce, play for a freeze-out, refuse any rake-back and finish by buying the pot. (This will be achieved through an aggressive, sudden and massive bout of QE in the last week of the Brexit deal deadline.)
Tax payers to receive Nectar Points from HMRC.
- The Loony Party will nationalise all other political parties . . . and when they don’t keep their manifesto promises they will be merged into Rainbow George’s ‘Rainbow Alliance’.
- We will nationalise crime to make sure it doesn’t pay.
Atheism will be given charity status being a non-prophet organization. In the interests of health and safety all other theism’s will loose charity status and be regulated by their local authority.
The alphabet will be reduced to 23 characters. This will start by cutting the letters N. H. and S.
All Schools would have a jumble sale, fête or other fundraising event at least twice a month to help raise funds for those little extras . . . such as desks, books, paper, pens etc.
- Voters will get a 30 day cooling off period, if you change your mind, didn’t like the result, or didn’t know what you were voting for, you can get your vote back.
- Reduce the voting age to 16 (carried forward from our 1983 manicfesto) . . . (nicked by Labour)
One in one out (carried forward from our 2015 manicfesto) . . . (nicked by UKIP)
Pensions or how to get the grey vote . . .
The Labour Party’s leadership are hoping to get one or two pensioners to vote for them so they have brought out a new policy guaranteeing the Triple lock on pensions until 2025 . . . The Loony party of course will go far better and will buy several very large padlocks and some very heavy chains.
We shall replace the Trident defence system with a tuning fork.
Economy & Pensions
We will further complicate the UK tax system so that everyone can find a loophole, not just multi-national companies.
- We will change the English symbol of three lions to three badgers. How often do you see lions running round the countryside?
- All food sold in fast food establishments should be clearly marked “may contain traces of real food”
Social Media sites to be taken down annually for a ‘recall how to talk day’
- We will only paint yellow lines where you CAN park.
- Potholes deeper than three inches will be marked with a yellow plastic duck.
- We will rename the current ‘Oyster’ travel cards, to ‘Sardine’ to truly reflect the experience when traveling on public transport.
- British Airways will be given an abacus and some post-it notepaper to replace its computer systems.
Although we are ‘Loonies’ we often appear to be the sensible party. Despite this, it will be the 5th general election I’ve lost.
‘Loony’ policies that we first proposed that are now law include reducing the voting age from 21 to 18, allowing independent local radio stations, passports for pets, and all day opening for pubs. We were the first to advocate lowering the voting age to 16.
‘Green policies’. Roofs of all new housing to be made of solar panels.
Giant ‘hamster wheels’ to be placed in all public parks for joggers to run in. These will generate free electricity for pensioners.
‘Brexit policies’. Place a row of toll booths across the English channel to charge for European access. France to give us back Brittany. Europeans who drive on the wrong, right hand side of the road to drive on the right, left hand side.
We think Labour have missed a trick with their return to the 70’s. I remember the 70’s had nationalisation ruining industry, pointless strikes, and the 3 day week. The 60’s is a much better option – good music, long hair, peace and love!
Most importantly, we are the only party that promises to SAVE THE DODO.
Having just spent 10 days out in Lanzarote, I was very pleased to see that we had 12 candidates in the up and coming General Election on June 8th. Well done to all of you. Three or four found it a bit difficult, but never mind, next time. I had to rush to get my papers in on June 8th flying out the very next day, deadline being June 11th when I would have already been there.
I was invited over by Dick Knowles who runs the Monster Radio Show. He had arranged for a ‘Monster Radio Road Show’ to hit ‘Playa Honda’ Lanzarote on Friday 12 of May, to which I was the Guest of Honour. Dick is an old friend of ours who used to team up with Lord Sutch and myself whenever we were in Wales canvassing in the earlier years. His Loony name is ri-DICK-ulus Knowles. A good turn out, lots of ex-pats obviously, they loved it.
Thanks to Pete Tilby-Fowler for an excellent interview, Spencer Locke, Valerie Tellechea, Angie Brand and all the other staff for making a success of it. Not forgetting the El Berera Bar who looked after us.
Dick is now our loony liaison officer for the Canary Islands and Chairman of the Lanzarote branch. Also met up with ‘Tigger the Bulldog’ who owns the ‘Bulldog Bar’ in Costa Teguise. Which still has the plaque on the wall outside, from 8 years ago announcing that it’s the Canary Islands HQ.
So a warm welcome will be had by all, if you ever venture there.
Getting back to my original paragraph, the best of luck to all those standing. There will be a bottle of Champagne for the candidate with most votes, presented at this years conference in Blackpool, but you must be there to receive it !
More about Blackpool after the General Election.
The Howling ‘Laud’.
The Loony Party is preparing for Government – these are our candidates!
- The Howling ‘Laud – Maidenhead
- Nigel Knapp – Islington North
- Chinners – Kingston and Surbiton
- Baron Badger – Walton and Esher
- The Iconic Arty Pole – Louth and Horncastle
- The Good Knight Sir Nosdar – Aldridge and Brownhills
- Baron Von Thunderclap – Mid Sussex
- Mad Mike Young – Sittingbourne and Sheppey
- The Mid Bed Minx – Mid Bedforshire
- George Ridgeon – Gloucester
- Sir Dudley the Crazed – Ceredigeon Wales
- Farmin Lord Dave 1st of Haughton – Denton and Reddish
Our Mid Bed Minx is campaigning for Mid Bedfordshire and has had a great piece written about her in ‘The Comet’
The Incredible Flying Brick
In the event of the by-election in Gorton going ahead I promise that the Loony Party will fix all issues and problems in Gorton and surrounding area within my three weeks in Parliament. The Loony Party is calling for a “try before you buy” election and Gorton will be the first time this great idea will be tested.
Vote Vote Vote! #mpforaweek
Theresa May has today threatened to call an election for June 8th 2017.
I say threatened as she needs a vote in Parliament (which she will probably get)
Our Leader Alan Howlin Laud Hope has already issued a statement telling Loony Candidates to get ready for Government. . .
As usual we will be publishing our manicfesto shortly so we can all be reading from a different page. . . Candidates are asked to contact us asap if you are going to stand (only definite candidates required). This is our chance to get our first M.P in Parliament.
Don’t forget if you are in the “Gorton” Manchester area we still have our candidate “Johnny Disco” standing on 4th May.
By-elections are wonderful crazy things and always great fun to be a part of. Stoke-on-Trent was my tenth attempt on Parliament, and fourth by-election. I feel I’m really getting into the swing of things now and am starting to feel quite confident in my political message, what-ever that is!
My interview with Emma Thomas outside BBC Radio Stoke was aired on Sunday Politics with my policy of putting Piranha’s in the River Trent turning out to be very popular with the electorate.
It was great, as ever, to have our glorious party leader entrenched in Stoke and working his magic on the ‘Stokies’, newspapers, and other parties for the five days before the election. He is always ‘on message’ and was enthusiastically holding training workshops on how to generate a better quality of FAKE NEWS.
A magnificent troupe of Loonies met at ‘The Terrace’, City Road, Fenton. Howling Laud and Flying Brick were joined by RU Seerius, Helen ‘Bak, Leutenant Jâger Schnitzel, Karen, Sir Tax-A-Lot, & Lady Table Manners. The Inflatable Johnny Disco and the Indestructible Captain Chaplington-Smythe also lent support and guidance at the pub before returning to Manchester.
The count was a big event and had a great atmosphere, Paul Nuttall made a bee-line for our party leader and gave him a big hug, I believe this was in anticipation of a Loony victory. We mingled seamlessly with the other parties and candidates including Barbara Fielding, who has the aura of a lovely sweet lady, the antithesis of her message in fact. It was a pleasure to meet the Liberal candidate Dr Zulfiqar Ali, a real gentleman and far too intelligent to be involved in politics.
There was an exciting scrum at the end of the night when the election was declared. In a strange break with tradition the candidates weren’t invited to join the returning officer on stage. Instead we were swallowed up in a frenzied media circus around Paul Nuttall and the winner Gareth Snell who gave me a man-hug in the excitement! He then fought his way through teaming tangle of reporters to give a some-what drowned out speech.
I once again came seventh, in a field of ten and came ahead of the BNP.
The Incredible Flying Brick
What good fun the ‘Stoke on Trent’ By-election was, our candidate ‘The Incredible Flying Brick’ put on a marvellous show. I was there in support for five days, staying at the ‘Crown Hotel’ in Longton, where the staff made us more than welcome.
I was out campaigning as usual, in the usual way, making friends and spreading the word. Myself and ‘The Brick’ met up for a TV interview, which will be shown on a ‘Brexit’ show later on in the year, June time I believe. We also met up for a tour of the local pottery towns, we had fun, but alas the weather was against any serious shennanigans, although we were made very welcome at the Ukip HQ, and met up with other candidates who treated us with the greatest of respect. They had to, in case we beat them, and we did, three of them at least. Many thanks to the party members who turned for the count, if you’ve never been to one, you’ll never know what your missing.
Here’s looking forward to the next one!
There will be two or three later on in the year when MPs put themselves up for the Mayors job, lets hope some of them win, only then will it cause a by-election. Where ever, we shall be there, so watch out for us in your area, you never know!!
The Illustrious ‘Howling Laud’.