1997 GENERAL ELECTION MANIFESTO

NATIONAL HEALTH SERVICE

• All British hospitals will be twinned with hospitals in other countries, so that you can chose where you want to convalesce.

• Wigs will be made available on the NHS and Will then be made compulsory for all people who are losing their hair. Especially Tony Blair.

• Complimentary medicine should be available on the National Health service (We’re not so sure about complementary medicine)

• Placebos should be free at the point of use.

YOUTH

• Actually we don’t have any polices on youth. We think they’re probably better off without politicians Interfering With them.

JEFFREY ARCHER

• We have conducted extensive research into the state of Britain today – Its declining economic position, its failure to reach the final of Euro ’96 or to win gold medals at the Olympics, and the Royal Family’s Inability to stay married. At the root of all these problems, we have discovered, is the sinister figure of Jeffrey Archer, whose books have sapped the country of Its moral strength. He will therefore have to be abolished.

FOREIGN AFFAIRS

• We believe that we are Citizens of the world. Loonyism is not limited by national barriers: It’s a state of mind.

• We believe In freedom of movement around the world. People should be entitled to live wherever they want. Even if It’s in Peckham, Walsall or Milton Keynes New Town.

• Unlike the unofficial parties, we would welcome to this country victims of torture who are fleeing persecution (and they won’t even need to bring certificates of authentication from their torturers).

• We will also provide sanctuary for animals fleeing from persecution, particularly for Spanish donkeys, French horses, Dutch veal calves, Australian watchetty grubs and mad anythings from anywhere.

• We will ban Imports of Liebfraumilch.

• We know that the so called United so-called States of so-called America are regretting their- foolish decision to go it alone In 1776. In a spirit of forgiveness we will allow them to rejoin Great Britain and will give them full colonial status.

THE WINE LAKE

• Every Sunday we propose to pump the Euro Wine lake through the Channel Tunnel to a pond or- reservoir near you. Why we should pay for the E.C. Wine lake without benefiting is quite beyond ussh.

THE SOCIAL CHAPTER

• The social policies of the European Union won’t go far enough we promise:

• A twenty hour. working week (In the new decimal time).

• A minimum wage fixed at 100% of MPs’ salaries.

• Maternity and paternity leave for pets.

THE ECONOMY

• The Euro Will be replaced by the Yahoo, featuring a picture of the Official Prime Minister, Screaming Lord Sutch.

SUPERSTITIONS

• Superstition is the wisdom of the ages. We would be foolish to ignore the lessons it has to teach. We therefore propose a new superstitions Act to enshrine this wisdom on British Law.

• It Will be illegal to Walk under ladders.

• Matches will be made with the a Capacity for lighting only two cigarettes.

• Umbrellas will not be opened indoors.

• All new houses will be built with an accessible piece of wood In each room for touching.

• Nobody will be allowed to refer to ‘Macbeth’ except as ‘The Scottish play’.

• Nobody should pick up a pair of scissors that they’ve dropped.

• Mirrors will be made of unbreakable glass.

• A related Folklore Act will ensure that:

• Everybody looks before they leap.

• People should look after their pennies, while paying no attention to their pounds.

• Nobody watches a pot in case it doesn’t boil.

• Many a mickle always makes a muckle.

• There are never too many cooks.

• Nobody is better than they ought to be.

CULTURE AND HERITAGE

• We think culture’s quite a good thing.

• But isn’t French pop music crap.

• And German television.

• And Italian films.

• And Spanish literature.

• We will establish a fund to support the British film industry, to be called the Sam Kydd Memorial Fund.

• We shall redirect lottery money from Covent Garden to New Covent Garden – fruit and vegetables are more important than ballet and opera.

• We shall launch a National Rock & Roll College where people can learn how to be roadies and the next Johnny Rotten.

• We shall abolish Damien Hurst.

AGONY AUNTS

• Anyone who writes a problem column in a national newspaper will be a given a seat in the House of Lords, since they’re so good at sorting out other people’s problems and falling asleep.

CONSTITUTIONAL REFORM

• Shamefully Lord Sutch has never been allowed to take his place In the House of Lords. Nor were Duke Ellington, Count Basie or Lord Rockingham We will end this discrimination against musicians.

• We will make elections more democratic. In the 1983 general election the Official Monster Raving Loony Party fielded eleven candidates – all of them were the official winners, including Lord Sutch, who beat Margaret Thatcher In Finchley. In a fit of bad temper Thatcher then decided that it should cost people £500 to stand for parliament.

• This is an appalling tax on democracy – we will reduce the deposit to one Yahoo.

• Opinion polls will be banned during elections because they’re too boring. Instead daily odds, compiled by Lord Sutch’s favourite bookmaker Mr William Hill will be quoted on all TV news broadcasts.

• We will introduce votes at 16.

• And votes for pets.

• And at every election people will get a chance to vote for the next general election as well, so that if they die in-between they can leave their vote in their will.

DECIMAL TIME

• Current time-keeping is too confusing – especially when you’re hungover, late for work and trying to figure out a 24-hour timetable.

• We will simplify the system. There will be 100 seconds to a minute, 100 minutes to an hour, 10 hours per day, 10 days per week, 5 weeks per month and 10 months in the year.

• We will abolish January and February. The weather will therefore be better with virtually no winter. And the NHS will save money because there will be fewer people getting colds and flu.

STATE OF EMERGENCY

• We checked out the legal position on this one and it’s constitutionally okay for the Queen to declare a state of emergency, suspend parliament, withdraw from Europe and from NATO and to rule directly from Buckingham Palace. We shall, however advise the Queen to invoke these powers only if:

• Cliff Richard releases a Christmas single.

• Barbara Cartland dies, or

• We don’t win the general election.

AGRICULTURE

• We shall fund research into why crop-circles never appear in turnip fields.

MINISTRY FOR PETS

• Now that pets have votes they will need representation.

• we will create a Minister for Pets, whose first bill will be a Dangerous Politicians Act – certain politicians will not be allowed out unless on a lead and muzzled. And some Tory MPs will obviously have to be neutered.

DEFENCE

• Contrary to popular opinion, it is not the policy of the Official Monster Raving Loony Party to spend vast amounts of British money on nuclear weapons so that we can kill everybody 200 times. That’s the policy of the unofficial loonies in the Tory Party, ‘New’ Labour and Liberal Democrats. We think blowing up the world once is enough.

THE WEATHER

• Apart from abolishing January and February, the British climate will be improved by towing the British isles into the Atlantic and re-siting it 500 miles further south. This massive enterprise will have numerous fringe benefits:

• The revival of British shipyards to build a sufficient number of tugs.

• A huge expansion of the British wine-growing industry. (This may upset the French but who cares).

• The doubling of the size of the North Sea, which would rejuvenate the fishing Industry.

• The disappearance of the English Channel, one of the most congested and dangerous stretches of water in the world.

• The re-building of the Channel Tunnel in rubber so that it could stretch further and link in with Guernsey and Jersey, making the U.K. a tax haven and undercutting Switzerland.

PENSIONERS

• We will introduce retirement at 55.

• Pensions w I be fixed at 100% of MPs’ salaries (except for retired politicians, who’ve already bleed the country dry).

• Military bases will be converted into Action Theme Parks where pensioners can re-live their war exploits.

TAXATION

• Income tax was introduced nearly two hundred years ago to pay for the Napoleonic Wars. These have now finished and at present we have no plans to go to war with France – therefore income tax will be abolished.

• Similarly VAT was increased by Norman Lamont to make the Poll Tax less unpopular. The Poll Tax is now fished so there’s no excuse for VAT remaining 17.5%

• If we do have to have income tax, we propose to incorporate it into the National Lottery so at least you stand a chance of winning your money back.

OPEN GOVERNMENT

• The home telephone numbers of all elected officials in national and local government will be made available to their electors so that you can have a chat with them whenever you want to.

• We’ll also include in this list the home numbers of the heads of all the utilities, so you call have a chat about your bills directly with the people getting your money.

EDUCATION

• We successfully campaigned for the abolition of the 11 plus. But standards in education are important.

• We will introduce lead free pencils.

• We will introduce selection and streaming in evening classes.

• We will make sure that there is a grammar book in every town.

• We believe in the Four R’s: reading, writing, rock & roll.

TRANSPORT

• Roads will be dug up a maximum of once every ten years. Before they’re dug up, all the utilities will be Informed and they can replace all their cables, pipes and sewers at the same time.

• Street parties will be held to celebrate the event and twinning ceremonies will be encouraged with roadworks in other parts of the country.

• All urban streets will have pram lanes.

• It’s unfair that only zebras get crossings in the road – we shall give all animals their own crossings, starting with leopards.

• All dogs will be fed with fluorescent food so that nobody steps in messes in the dark.

• We’re not entirely happy about policeman seeping in the roads.

• All pavements will be heated In winter.

• Heavy plant crossing – has anyone ever seen one.

• Wheel-clamping is absurd.

UNEMPLOYMENT

• The Tories have constantly changed the definition of unemployment to try to fool the rest of us that unemployment is going down. This is stupid! All you really have to do to halve the length of the dole queues is to adopt the Loony policy:

• Make everybody stand closer together.

THE ROYAL FAMILY

• The Official Monster Raving Loony a Party is quite fond of the Royal Family, since they all seem to be loony as well. There is however, some room for improvement:

• It’s not right that only the Queen gets to do the ceremonial stuff like opening parliament and sitting on a horse on her birthday. We think Princess Margaret should be given more of these duties, since she is clearly the embodiment of all that’s best in Britain.
• It’s unfair that only centenarians get messages from the Queen on their birthdays. we think that everyone should get a card on their birthday.
• State banquets at Buckingham Palace should stress the importance of British culture. Menus should be based on our national cuisine: spam, chopped luncheon meat, roly-poly pudding and Battenburg cake.
• We believe in Prince Edward.

INDUSTRIAL RELATIONS

• Strikes on trains and the Underground will be banned. If the Unions wish to take industrial action, a national holiday will be proclaimed for everyone except rail-workers – trains will run to a full timetable but will be empty, thus costing British Rail and London Underground millions in lost revenue whilst not hurting the public.

A CIVIL SOCIETY

• There is no doubt that behaviour in political and everyday life could be more polite in Britain. To raise standards we propose:

• All politicians should wear top hats – following the admirable example set by Lord Sutch – in an attempt to make them more civilized.
• National Road Rage Championships will be held every year on the Spaghetti Junction to enable motorists to express their anger in a controlled environment.
• When stuck in a lift nobody should breath more than four times a minute.

BROADCASTING

• We called for commercial radio In the 60s. Now we advocate complete de-regulation of radio and TV. There will be only two rules:

• Anyone playing a Cliff Richard record will lose their licence. (especially his Greatest Wimbledon hits).

• It will be illegal to broadcast telephones and doorbells – it’s so irritating when you get up to answer the phone and than realize it’s only David Wickes in ‘Eastenders’ ringing one of his fancy woman.

SPORT

• We propose the relocation of the European butter mountain to Britain so that our skiers have got somewhere to practice.

• We will build huge indoor jogging parks. People will be invited to jog on conveyor belts fitted up to electricity generators, thus providing cheap power for pensioners’ homes.

• We believe a British man can win the Singles Title at Wimbledon – provided his opponent is blind-folded, and Cliff a Richard doesn’t show up.

EUROPE

• We shall withdraw from the Eurovision Song Contest in protest at the unfair voting system that a laws the Irish to win every year.
• We are deeply committed to holding a referendum on whether people want a referendum on Europe.

THE BIG IDEA (WE DON’T HAVE ONE)

• Most politicians seem to know everything and have an opinion on every issue. We’re different. We know that we don’t know. We’re quite prepared to accept that there are a great many questions that we don’t have the answers to:

• Can’t something be done about Barbara Cartland?
• Why is there only one Monopolies Commission?
• Why does toast always land butter side down?
• What was a sliced bread the best invention a since?
• Is Vinnie Jones really Welsh?
• Is there really a conspiracy by the security services to cover up UFO landings?
• Why is Cliff Richard?

DRINKING

• We successfully campaigned for all-day pub opening. Now this has been adopted we propose:

• All-night pub opening.

• In an attempt to exclude us from parliament, no government has ever spent serious research money on developing a Morning After The Official Monster Raving Loony Victory Party Hangover Pill. Once In power we will have this pill freely available in a chemists. The benefits will be enormous:

• Hangovers will be a thing of the past.

• We will be guaranteed a victory at every election.

• Millions of work-days currently lost though over-celebration at other events will be saved – Britain’s productivity would increase by a level of at least 10%.

• Industrial accidents will be massively reduced.

• The NHS would be self-funded from the royalties generated by worldwide sales of the Loony Hangover Pill.

THE MINISTRY OF NOSTALGIA

• We will remind people of how good things used to be. Since no one can now remember a time when things were good, we all need help to dream of a wonderful by-gone age when everyone was paid in golden sovereigns, no-one was ill or died, the weather was perfect, and you could get 200 pints of bitter for a quid.

THE CITIZENS CHARTER

• We’re not entirely sure what this is at the moment, but it seems like it might be a good idea if it was extended a bit. Citizens should:

• Have the right to be citizens – at the moment we’re subjects of the Queen.

• Be able to challenge politicians to prove that they have done what they said they were going to do in their election manifestos.

• Not be obliged to do anything at all before lunch, let alone go to work – it’s too difficult.

• Have the right to vote for the Prime Minister (we wouldn’t have chosen Tony Blair, for a start).

SEX AND ROCK & ROLL

• None of this has anything to do with politicians. Therefore al laws restricting people’s private activities and their right to go to a rave (even If they listen to ‘repetitive beats’) should be repealed.

• Under a Loony government sex and rock & roll will be available through the NHS.