Richmond and Northallerton round-up

Our colourful team were Sir Archibald, Gilly, RU Seerius, Lady Hell ’n Back, Johnny Ringo, Susie Queue, Lord Stifflegs of Leyburn, Lady Di Lilli Pilli, locals Paul the Political Poet and Stew Exotic with his tiger Lazy Ass.
We rendezvoused for the evening at The Buck, the local Wetherspoons pub in Northallerton where Elspeth the manageress and the locals made us extremely welcome and where we were interviewed by Charlie from Tatler magazine.
We convened around 12.30am at the strict security count venue, Northallerton Leisure Centre prompting Gilly to say ‘we’ve seen more guns here than at the OK corral’
There were numerous photographs taken via the news networks and other candidates along with multiple interviews by the global TV and radio channels while the count was in progress.
Eventually after waiting for the arrival of the Prime Minister the result was announced shortly after 4.40am and I polled 99 votes and came 10th out of 13 candidates.
Gilly was once again prominent on the podium and our Party was supported by one of the other candidates on the podium who proudly displayed a large letter ‘L’ for Loony.
I managed to chat to the Prime Minister about Ringo’s mortgage going through the roof before we all departed the venue singing ‘we gotta get out of this place, if its the last thing we ever do’, to the great amusement of the Police.
Archie to mates – Sir Archibald to Magistrates

Our Results for the 2024 General Election

Lady Lily The Pink
Brecon, Radnor and Cwm Tawe
237
Citizen Skwith
Brighton Pavilion
257
Mark Citizen Lawrence
Chelmsford
187
Lord Psychobilly Tractor
Crewe and Nantwich
250
Martin Hogbin
East Surrey
327
Hoo-Ray Henry
Ely and East Cambridgeshire
271
Knigel Knapp
Hackney North and Stoke Newington
224
Nick the Incredible Flying Brick
Holborn and St Pancras
162
Nicholas Blunderbuss Green
Kenilworth and Southam
442
A. Gent Chinners
Kingston and Surbiton
230
Ezechiel Adlore
Leicester South
189
Iconic Arty-Pole
Louth and Horncastle
309
Baron Von Thunderclap
Mid Sussex
352
Mad Hatter
New Forest East
529
Howling ‘Laud’ Hope
North East Hampshire
340
Barmy Brunch
North East Somerset and Hanham
211
Sir Archibald Stanton
Richmond and Northallerton
99
Mad Mike Young
Sittingbourne and Sheppey
223
Earl Elvis of East Anglia
South West Norfolk
338
Titus Anything
Stafford
307
Sir Grumpus L Shorticus
Ynys Môn
156
James ALM Rust Blackpool North and Fleetwood 174

Ynys Môn – Isle of Anglesey

My name came from a colleague who one day burst out, ‘You’re just a grumpy dwarf aren’t you!’, another colleague Latin-ised it and I added the title and initial. This is a first for me, and for Anglesey, the Loony Party standing for Ynys Môn(ster). My Council Electoral Office seemed really quite bemused, but were extremely helpful.
These were my policies which helped me achieve 156 votes in the general election

  • A Unique Time Zone for Wales
    Reduce the hour from 60 minutes to 40, fully reversing the 20mph speed limits back to what they were without the cost of changing all the signs – again, and creating a whole new industry in manufacturing Welsh time pieces.
  • Build the Needed 3rd Bridge/Crossing – From Dublin
  • Grey Squirrels Entering Anglesey illegally will be sent to Rwanda (We only have reds)
  • Build Wylfa B nuclear power station, reverse the generated power into the wind-farms which would then propel Anglesey to an EU country of choice.
  • A Private Member’s Bill to make the misuse or omission of apostrophe’s a Criminal Offence
    Sir Grumpus L Shorticus

Blackpool North and Fleetwood

Election Fever is in the air in Blackpool North and Fleetwood as we move into the final phase of the plan for a Loony to seize power.
‘Crackers Count Corrosion of Forlorn Hope’ is relying on changing his lifetime of ‘nearly winning’ to break the two-party system and come out on top for once.
Crackers reports that it’s too close to call. The public goes wild wherever he attends hustings and so far he’s managed to dodge all the rotten eggs. His carer is busy handing out leaflets and the scene is set for an election landslide like never before!
Crackers

Will he stay or will he go

Our Candidate for Richmond and Northallerton Sir Archibold Stanton has been busy campaigning. He has been asked if, at the election count, the incumbent Conservative Candidate, a little known and even less seen, Mr Rishi Sunak will in fact turn up?
RU Seerius

Brecon, Radnor & Cwmtawe

I’m Lady Lily the Pink, AKA ‘Nun of The Above or Below’. I’ll be preaching the gospel of using your vote all over the Brecon, Radnor & Cwmtawe Constituency.
You can find me at all the available hustings between now and 4th July, doing what politicians do, not answering the questions, making promises I have no intention of keeping, and cuddling cute babies for the perfect photo opportunity! I’m here for the non-voters but would also like to increase voter turnout.
I don’t wish to steal anyone else’s votes, stop anyone voting if they have someone to vote for, or to stop anyone who wants to vote tactically doing so.
If you have lost faith, lost interest, don’t see the point, want to protest, need ‘a none of the above’ option then vote for Lily the Pink on the 4th of July!
Lady Lily the Pink

Louth and Horncastle

I have lived in Gt. Carlton for nearly 25 years and a local councillor for the last ten. This will be my 4th general election. I have been a design draughtsman, estimator, salesman and marketing manager in the manufacturing and engineering industries. I have written for various publications, and catalogued for auction houses and worked as a film extra.
We need to reverse the privatisation of health, care, police, ambulance, fire and prison services. The same goes for the railway system and water companies. I have been involved with the ‘Fighting for Louth Hospital’ and been against the nuke dump from square one. My support for renewable energy stays the same. I want to see tide and wave generators installed around the bases of all offshore windmills. Education; concentrate on reading and numeracy.
UK manufacturing needs massive support to reduce imports, we should incentivise the training of staff. Farmers should have fair prices at the farm gate. We need high speed fibre for broadband as 5G’s long term side effects are still unknown.
The Iconic Arty Pole

The OFFICIAL Monster Raving Loony Party Manicfesto for General Election 2024

We are fighting this Election on the basis of CHANGE.. 

LOOSE CHANGE as this is all we’ll have left under a Labour/Conservative Government

The Loony Party will build 5 million new homes, fill up 5 million potholes, employ 80,00 teachers, policemen and NHS staff and reduce taxes to 5%……….yeah right…lol

MP’s will have to sit in stocks during their surgeries, while their constituents throw custard pies at them. This will help them judge their popularity with in the community. Companies would also be encouraged to design new versions of stocks to trade at the Stock Exchange.

RwandaWe will send all MPs who misbehave to Rwanda.

V.A.T….We will get rid of VAT as it adds no value.

Fly Tipping..We will ban all tipping of flys, insects, and zips of any kind..

Immigration..We will replace employees of the Border Force with GP receptionists. This will dramatically reduce the number of people getting in.

Cost of Living…To help with the cost of Living and to raise money for the Treasury we will Convert Numbers 10 and 11 Downing Street into a Hair salon, Which we will call ‘Government CutZ’.

Levelling up….Along with the existing Government policy for levelling up the North with the South, we will provide free Spirit Levels to all.

M.O.T….The MOT is an annual test to ensure that your car is roadworthy. We will introduce a ROT, an annual test to make sure all roads are car worthy.

Elections….After the next General Election, we will introduce a ‘cooling-off period’ of about 3 years in case voters wish to change their minds.

NHS…In an effort to reduce the problems faced by the NHS , it is proposed to reduce pregnancy from nine to seven months.

NHS…We will reduce hospital waiting lists by using a smaller font.

Legal System…To make things fairer we will introduce a Court of Human Lefts.

Foreign Policy…Once in Government, we will replace the Foreign Secretary with a British one!

Stamp Duty….We will abolish stamp duty. Stamps are expensive enough as it is without having to pay any duty on them!

Migration of Nets…..We will reduce net migration by making sure that any nets are secured more firmly to the ground.

NHS…We propose to reduce the alphabet to 23 letters starting with the letters N.H.and S

Greener Cars……Once in Government we promise to have more green cars on our roads. Politicians will have fluorescent green cars so that everyone can see them coming.

Self-Serving….. Anyone using a self-service till in a supermarket will be given a 10% discount off their shopping.

Socially smart….. All Social Media sites will be taken down for one day a week for a “Remember when we used to talk” day.

 

Published by RU Seerius on behalf of the Official Monster Raving Loony Party
59 New Barn Close, Fleet, Hants, GU51 5HU